On the Brattish Nature of My Car

Yes, it's true, Maybellene and I are no more. The cost of maintaining such an impractical automobile for someone my age and professional status was just to difficult. Though I will probably won't have such a chimerical car for quite some time again, it was fun for the year or so, but I needed practical. Options were slim, and they were made even more limited by the fact that the car had to be something I could afford a monthly payment for, as well as monthly gas. So really, I wasn't choosing the car; rather, this was a case in which the car really chose me: a 2010 Ford Focus S.

Maybellene's sleek black body styling is traded for a spoiled-rotten, candy red. The melodious stereo system has been traded for an unbalanced racket. The painless, "hands-off", automatic-manual gear box has been replaced with the excruciating, "hands-pulling-out-hair", manual gear box. The saucy red leather interior has been swapped for a grumpy grey, poly-fiber blend. At first glance, you'd think this car was a monumental letdown, but practical is as practical does and a man's gotta grow up sometime...

But as soon as I got into the car, I seriously doubted that I was heading in that direction. Reaching into the box of Maybellene's former belongings, I pulled out a few choice CDs that might console me on my grave loss. To my surprise, none of them were fitting into the slot. A CD had been left in the car by the previous owner. I tried to eject it to see what it was, but the CD would not come forth at my command. After taking out an initial moment of intense frustration on the steering wheel, I was struck by an immense stroke of genius: no greater opportunity than this could be afforded to learn about the car's previous owner. Immediately, my momentary rage melted into the most engaged curiosity and I played the CD.

What met my ears was the most heinous collection of party rock I'd ever heard, with songs by "artists" such as Ludacris and Ke$ha (and judging by the sound quality, it was likely pirated). Furthermore, they weren't even the songs you heard on the radio; all of them were mediocre, B-side quality. Indeed, this was a juicy find, and my mind began to notice other telling personality traits.

The previous owner (rather, the owner's parents) had installed an "M-Key" device offered by Ford which prevents the driver from doing certain things with the car that some might consider dangerous. The device limits how high the radio's volume can be set. Also, this functionality will turn off any audio in the car if the driver fails to buckle his seat belt. But to top it off, the device will warn you with a noise if the car approaches 75 mph and will automatically apply the brakes to keep the driver from going anything over 80 mph.

Upon an initial overview of the car, I noticed that there was a floor pad missing from the driver's side of the car. Now, I'm not one to speculate too far into things, but I would certainly like an explanation as to why a floor pad, specifically made for this car model is missing. All the others are present, but I find it very intriguing that the the one missing is the driver's.

After mentioning these findings to the respectable salesman who sold me the car and offering my speculative conclusions, he told me that the car's previous bumper stickers would most certainly support my suspicions. Before the car came into my possession, there had been bumper stickers for the University of Missouri - St. Louis, a commuter college, and a "rainbow" awareness ribbon.

With these facts in hand, I was now able to make some claims regarding the previous owner of the car. The first, and most obvious fact, was that the previous owner had been a girl, most likely a student of the commuter college to which the bumper sticker denoted. The car was purchased new by her parents, as  indicated by the activated M-Key functionality. Certainly, she was an irresponsible child and not trusted at all by her parents, and it is very likely that in her fecklessness, she had totalled her previous car, hence the new car with the overkill M-Key security features. Also, it's possible that the manual transmission was selected by the parent's to discourage texting-and-driving, a well-known practice among girls.

The awareness bumper sticker leaves no mystery as to the secular leanings of the girl's worldview and the forever-stuck CD reinforces this worldly hypothesis. The CDs song selection also makes some interesting suggestions. The first song on the CD was by St. Louis-native, Nelly, and is titled "Hey Porsche". A link to the lyrics can be found here, as they are too vile to post on this respectable blog. Also, the fact that the songs are less popular than the big hits of these mainstream artists suggests that she might have a hipster streak about her. However, after careful consideration, I concluded that a hipster girl would never listen to mainstream artists at all, so it is most probable that the previous owner just had terrible taste in music.

The only missing piece to explain now is the missing driver's side floor mat. Relying on the conclusions we've already made, it seems logical that while driving home after a long night of partying at her girlfriends' house, the owner vomited on the floor at a stop light to relieve her stomach of the gratuitous quantities of McCormick's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey. Unable to clean it without her parent's noticing, she threw the mat into a nearby dumpster and Fe-breezed the car, effectively eliminating the odor and the mess.

Therefore, the previous owner of the car was surely an upper middle-class, blonde, spoiled, sorority brat with the most terrible taste in music and a high number of supremely bad life-choices. It is for this reason, that I have named the car, Brittany. These deductions make me realize the subtly colorful character of an otherwise typically practical car, and though she's not the fiery temptress that Maybellene was, she's definitely got spunk: and I like her spunk.

Maybellene: A Young Man's Car

This post is a portion of a larger untitled work in progress and a continuation of the previously published post, My First Car ...

Having driven my car for nearly nine months now, I can honestly and realistically notice those personality traits that make her special. I say ‘her’ because all cars driven by young men must be feminine, and her name is Maybellene. It had taken me nine months to arrive at this name, but it was well worth the wait. Unique and memorable, I named her after the Chuck Berry song of the same title, which in turn acquired its name from the popular cosmetic brand. It was Berry’s first rock and roll hit and was influential in developing the genre.

Just as the song lyrics suggest however, there are a few problems with Maybellene. Although her exterior is sleek and her upholstery is sexy red leather, the rest of the interior is made of plastic. Well, one has to cut costs somewhere, but the areas of primary concern are the door handles, both inside and outside. Without a doubt, they will see the most wear and tear of the entire car, so it would only have been fitting if they were made of a more durable material. And in the frozen winter, between the ice forming on the outside handles and the increased brittleness, one must be very gentle.

Maybellene’s sunroof is also a constant source of her infidelity. The mechanism works well enough, but it is the shutter on the inside of the car that fails to operate properly. It is made from two separate pieces of board, one sliding over the other when opened. However, Hyundai somehow made this design very unreliable as the two pieces frequently came apart and jammed the whole mechanism. Thus, the sunroof has not seen as much use as I would like.

Another cosmetic issue with poor Maybellene is a circular piece of plastic that has come apart in her headlight. Originally, the ornamental ring was fixed around the low beam headlight, but it had never been fully fixed to the bezel since I got her. In an attempt to correct this, the entire piece came loose and began to roll freely within the epoxy sealed headlight. After hours of fruitless attempts to return the piece to its original place without breaking the moisture-proof epoxy seal between the lens and the bezel, I only succeeded in scratching the plastic ring and the bezel with a rusty coat hanger. 

Of comparable sports cars, Maybellene has the sportiest form I have ever seen by far. However, sportiness makes the driver sacrifice ride comfort. The suspension of the car feels pretty shoddy, though I am not sure what else I would expect from a sports car built for high-responsiveness, grip, and performance. A lot of the times, the ride does not bother me significantly, but from time to time, roads have not been properly made. Rough roads always cause me significant worry about what kind of damage is being done to my poor Maybellene.

Finally, there is the sad fact that Maybellene only has a four-speed gear box. One arrives at 45 mph and jumping into 4th gear, that’s all she has for you. You’re up at 3000 rpm, then 3500 rpm, then 4000 rpm, and there’s just no next gear. This is probably for the best, though. I’m pretty sure I’d have more than two speeding tickets if I had been given even one more gear to tempt me.

"Maybellene" on the day I got her

These foibles make Maybellene a real car, though; for no car is without her faults. It gives the machine a personality and a temperament, but despite these shortcomings, the most influential factors on the car’s persona are those that make you fall in love again, just like the day you got it.

I suppose I cannot say enough about the leather interior. It gives Maybellene that sultry debonairness that is tailor fit for young men. The “black widow” red-black color scheme assures you that if Maybellene is going to be the one to kill you, she’s going to do it with both visually-pleasing and sensational fashion in a James Dean-esque ball of fire, and the red leather interior plus bucket seats has much to do with that embracing experience.

Something else that is evident about Maybellene is that she’s not a mother or a nanny: she’s just a girl. She warns you that your seat belt might be off, but she is not incessant about the reminder, just a couple chimes of sweet concern for a few seconds. She knows you’re an independent man and she cannot tell you to do something when you don’t want to do it. She’s just not the nagging type.

Though I mentioned Maybellene’s limited four-speed gear box earlier as a regrettable idiosyncrasy of hers, I must also mention that it is a “select-shift” four-speed gear box, which makes all the difference. Sometimes, a man like me wants to be in complete control, but I’d rather not get embroiled in the minor details. Take operating a clutch, for instance: it is a detail about manual transmission automobiles that I have never handled with any amount of grace or success because I do not care to give it that much attention. With the select-shift mode, I let Maybellene handle those little details, and I just concern myself with shifting down on the tight corner, hunkering down to zip right into the ensuing straight-away.

It is often said that a young man’s first car is his first step to independence and freedom; that with this car, he was proceeding from boyhood to manhood. Therefore, it was important to choose this first car wisely, despite frequently constraining financial means, because this car was going to mean something sentimental to the driver, no matter how appalling or flawed. Maybellene, though, has proven a true companion, one with whom my adrenaline-fueled, thrill-seeking, speed-craving young life will be better spent. 

Throwing a Legitimate Dance Party: A How-To Guide

Ever since I was in high school, going to homecomings and proms, I always wanted to throw my own "dance" party. Why? Well, I just didn't like the way high school did stuff the stuff they did. I did not like every one's "dancing" style around me. I did not like the indiscriminate choice of music. I did not like that fact that there were no serious refreshments of which to speak. I just thought I could do it better...

So that is what I did. Over the past year, I've orchestrated the throwing of three very successful and legit dance parties. With each party, I learned some valuable lessons and the next time, I made the relevant changes to keep the party 'raging'. Below, I have created a 'how-to' guide for this delicate, but highly rewarding process:

1. Budget

Like every good endeavor, you need to sit down and determine what you're willing to spend on this thing. If you're looking to do it right and this is your first time doing it, it's going to be expensive. (for perspective, I believe my first budget was $100) The good news, though, is that the money you spend on infrastructure here will not have to be re-spent for future parties. It might be worth it to see if you can get an interested core group of people to help fund some of the various aspects.

2. Who To Invite

This is certainly more up to the personal preference of the hosts, but one hard-and-fast rule that I've found out is that you need to keep the guy-to-girl ratio pretty even. An overwhelming number of one over the other is not conducive to a properly socializing group because guys certainly want to be with their buddies, but they also want to have the opportunity to meet and socialize with plenty of girls. The same goes for girls; girl friends are nice to have, but a party with too many girls will make them feel like they're being used. This dynamic also becomes more clear when dancing begins; what guy wants to dance with another guy? And what girl wants to only be dancing with her girl friends all the time? I cannot stress this rule enough.

3. Music

The party doesn't have a chance without music, of course. It's probably a good idea to make two playlists: one of just general party tunes and another for dance music (the reason for this will become clear later). If you do not already have all the music yourself, see if you might be able to get it from that core group of friends. In selecting music, it is good to have a genre variety. Sure, Flo Rida and Lady Gaga are modernly relevant, but what about the timeless classics like Elvis Presley, Little Richard, Spice Girls, or *NSYNC? Every one likes to get taken back to the old days once in a while, so give them that diversity. Also, I recommend splicing in some other genre types such as salsa and swing dancing numbers.

4. Infrastructural Items, Pt. 1: "Sound"

Ah, here's the point that might be a bit hard to swallow: you'll have to invest some money into this party. Not just "some" money, but depending on what your goals are, potentially "alot" of money. For a first party, this does not always need to be a giant expenditure, but that also depends on what you already have to start with. You'll need a stereo of some sort, and you'll need an MP3 player that you can plug into said stereo. This is not a bad investment, party planning aside, but it can definitely be one that sets you back a few bucks. If you do not have an MP3 player and no one else you know has one, then you're probably Amish and I'm curious as to why you're throwing a dance party in the first place. Though seriously, if this is the case, MP3 CDs work well enough. They have a higher storage capacity than regular audio CD formats and iTunes can burn in this format.

All-in-one Disco Ball; $25

5. Infrastructural Items, Pt. 2: "Lights and Special Effects"

Colored light bulb; $5

This step will also require some monetary investment. Party lighting will give your dance party teeth, beyond simply having loud music. The cheapest route to take would be to purchase variously colored light bulbs. This will create a pretty static atmosphere for what should be a dynamic party, so I would only recommend these as a supplement. There are a couple of mid-range alternatives, however, such as small disco balls. And if you really have money burning a hole in your pocket, there is some professional DJ equipment out there that will really give the dance floor some kick. And smoke machines are reasonably inexpensive, depending on what you get. The low power ones (such as the 400 watt model) only create 'smoke', which is great to project LED through because it creates an awesome laser effect. The higher powered models (such as the 1100 watt) are able to create a low-lying fog effect that you see in the movies. It requires a special fog juice to create, so make sure you do your research on fog machines to ensure that you get what you want.

6. Food and Drink

Fog Machine 400 Watt; $30

Though not nearly as fun to shop for as the items listed above, proper nutrition and hydration (or de-hydration, depending on the beverage in question) is important. It would be appropriate to call on guests to bring either a snack food or a beverage when they accept the invitation, but you will undoubtedly need to supplement that. Chips and salsa is a decent, inexpensive starter. Also, it is vital that the host(s) provide the first round of beverages. This is important because your assigned beverage bringers might not arrive on time and while people are waiting, they should have a drink in their hand, if they desire it.

7. Decorations

This should probably be the weakest link in your budget. If you're short on cash or time, this becomes nonessential, but if you just don't have cash, then creatively-used, ordinary party streamers can change the look of your place drastically and get people in the party spirit.

8. Other Last Minute Preparations

Moonflower LED Light; $60

Of course, clean your place and make it look nice. Also, rearranging the furniture will give you more dance room space. If you live in an apartment complex, you should warn your neighbors of the noise the party will generate. Give them your cell phone number(s) and ask them to call you if it ever gets too loud. This is always better than the alternative of having the cops called. Reiterate that their comfort is your first concern and that you will be more than happy to bring the volume (or at least the bass) on the stereo down.

9. Timing and Bringing It All Together

Invariably, most of the guests will arrive anywhere between a half hour late to one hour and a half late. This is not terrible news because odds are you won't be fully ready by party time anyway. If you can get that core group of friends to show up early, they can play host or hostess while you are putting the finishing touches on the evening or getting ready yourself.

When people do arrive, they will want to have a drink or two and socialize with the other guests. This is a great time to put the 'party tunes' playlist or CD on the stereo at a conservative volume. Allow people plenty of time to snack and talk with their friends. Resist the urge to be over eager in moving to the dancing portion because regardless of the scene, people will not dance until they're ready too.

When it comes time to dance, the host should pause the music and call everyone around. A toast is usually appropriate here, as well as a few thank yous for everyone that came and for the food/drink they brought. While you're doing this, a trusted friend is setting up the dance playlist/CD. After the toast and thank yous, the host announces in some fashion that the dancing portion will begin shortly. Then, the party lights, which had been off up to this point, are switched on and the music starts.

People probably won't dance immediately, especially if this is the first time you're doing this. It will take some time for people to adjust to the idea of dancing in front of other people, especially if they weren't seriously expecting to do any dancing. So just be patient. Once they start dancing, your job is practically finished. Enjoy yourself and keep your cell phone by you to receive any calls from sleepy neighbors.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

Becoming Beautiful: A How To Guide

An Advertisement for American Eagle Outfitters

About a month ago, I was in my local mall to purchase a pair of jeans for the autumn season. As with any mall, each store hosted large advertisements with the latest fashions and looks, featured by boyish, soft-looking men and aggressive, voluptuous women. Each display promised me, the consumer, such a clean cut look that would attract the most beautiful of women... if I only bought their product.

It's a seductive message, to be sure, and we are constantly bombarded by it. Women, I am sorry to say, have borne much of this commercial pressure and it can wear on the self-confidence. But it is fair to say that both sexes have suffered from this strain. Physical beauty has become an obsession of our society.

But, really, what criteria determine physical beauty? Some say that a particular combination of the right physical features make a person physically beautiful; Large eyes, full hair, "hourglass" body form, etc. for women and muscular, "V-shaped" body form, etc. for men. There have been many studies in an attempt to discover the mathematical proportions that make a beautiful person (size of eyes in relation to mouth, in relation to length of nose, in relation to etc.). I do believe there is something to say about these features with regard to sexual attractiveness. But is that all that physical beauty is?

I believe there is already a beauty product that has existed as long as human beings have. I started writing this post over a month ago, trying to find a logical, philosophical argument to present it with, but my own rational power has failed to describe what I know in my soul to be the truth. So, since beauty product advertisements make no appeal to reason whatsoever to get you to buy their product, I feel that I must do the same. Here goes.

Step right up, step right up! Gather 'round, ladies and gentlemen, and see the most successful advancement in beauty care! Since the dawn of human existence, this product has transformed men and women alike into supermodels! Say "goodbye" to flab and fat, and say "hello" to a solid six-pack physique and captivating curves! Got repelling wrinkles or unsightly crow feet? This'll give you that elegant, and mature smile that you've always wanted! But, ladies and gentlemen! You won't find this product in stores! No, no! Countless have tried, but this miraculous beauty product cannot be bottled, bought, or applied. It's fabulous! Stupendous! Phenomenal! And it's called!.... VIRTUE.

No, I am not kidding. Not only does virtue solve all your soul's issues, it can also solve many of your physical attractiveness issues. No lie. I am a true believer in this.

To examine this, I first draw your attention to the physical appearance of people who may be suffering from some degree of vice. The substance abuser, whether drinker, smoker, druggie, and so on, is unattractive in appearance and behavior. Their physical dependency on their addiction will leave them haggard and grim-looking and whether they get their fix or not, their behavior is sure to be erratic and unappealing. Also, people who lack virtue are undisciplined, resulting in obesity/anorexia or sexual obsession. Lust is a bit more challenging to define in terms of physical appearances. But those consumed with sexual obsessions will try to dress and appear more as objects of sexual gratification. Whether it be a man or a woman, this desire is quickly obvious based on both appearance and behavior of an individual. Think about it: it's the difference between an encounter of courtship and one of blatantly "hitting on" someone.

Obviously, this list is far from extensive, but the groundwork is sufficiently laid. Now, what are examples of virtue working towards making one more attractive?

If one possesses virtue, one must also possess discipline. Virtue is not something that one acquires casually. It takes effort, perseverance, and hard work. In order to accomplish this, one needs discipline, which is the control and authority exerted by one's will over his/her passions. It begins with small things, but this small efforts ultimately play a vital role in developing great virtues in a man or woman. Discipline keeps you on that diet you've been needing to go on. It keeps you from drinking too much, smoking too much, and away from illegal substances entirely. It also keeps your sexual desires healthy and in-check.

Another aspect of virtue is joy. One cannot be virtuous, achieving the purpose of his nature, and not be filled with irrepressible joy. Joy is subtle and sublime because its specific physical manifestation in each virtuous individual is sometimes difficult to pinpoint. This is because the physical manifestation of joy is unique to each individual, making that person an exclusive illustration of elegance.

Joy: Archbishop Timothy Cardinal Dolan

Wait, how does joy factor into physical beauty? As far as society is aware, joy is just a momentary feeling and beauty is sex appeal. Joy is actually a unifying state of being that extends across all moments of one's existence. It is living life "properly" and "fully". Essentially, you are getting the most out of life when you are joyful. And because human physical beauty is incomplete without that which animates the body, a soul (for example, you would not call a corpse physically beautiful), joy and fulfillment in one's soul is manifest in the animation it brings to the body. In simpler terms, if a soul is good, the behavior and movements of that person will be good and contribute overall to the person's physical beauty.

This is not the easiest concept to understand without some examples. Ballet, for instance, requires a dancer to have complete, disciplined control over her body to accomplish the very precise movements of the art. This is only obtained through frequent practice and focus. Of course, natural skill is involved, but without practice and focus, the talent is useless. However, after time, the effort put into achieving the different positions of the dance become second nature; sort of like "muscle memory". In another example, an orator must be able to control his tone of voice and rhetoric in such a way as to maximize the impact of his words. This also utilizes natural talent to some degree, but it requires concentration and discipline to develop.

Tying this all together,  because the soul is the body's source of movement, the goodness of the soul contributes to the goodness of the movement of the body.  Furthermore, it is not a goodness of movement that can be faked because it takes practice to achieve. Once achieved though, it becomes second nature and one does not even have to try to move beautifully: it just happens! Basically, that look he gives you isn't one that desires animalistic conquest of your body; it's one of complete appreciation for you, body and soul. That handshake your colleague gives you isn't a limp, dead fish; it's an energetic, welcoming grip that exudes courage and warmth. That compliments she pays you isn't fake or dubious; it's completely genuine and you can innately see that in her eyes.

To conclude: Ok, maybe Virtue isn't really a beauty product that can turn Joe Schmo into G.I. Joe, nor Plain Jane into Ms. America. But physical beauty is not just about sex appeal. It is also about the grace and beauty of your movements, and interactions with other people, which I think have a more lasting impression than physical looks alone. Even the world's best supermodel instantly loses her splendor if she's constantly scowling off-camera. So it might just be true, virtue's discipline will help you to shed those extra pounds, but more importantly, virtue's joy will turn that scowling-old-woman face into a laughing, grandmotherly smile. It is certainly not the quick and easy beauty product that you get from the mall, but trust me, the results are worth it.

Why Sex is Meant For Marriage, Pt. 2 "Women"

The point was raised in a comment on my first post concerning sex and its proper context, marriage, that has prompted this follow-up post. The claim was that my argument was from the perspective of a man and, therefore, I had only shown that it was right for man to save sex and sexual acts for marriage.

But what about women? Do the same principles apply for women as they do for men? This was a bit trickier for me, a man, to tackle with an argument from experience. I have met women and I have dated women, but I have never been a woman. However, I will draw on from what experience I have to prove in an argument complementary to my first that sex and sexual acts are meant for marriage according to the healthy feminine nature.

First, there some differences between the masculine and feminine natures. These are necessary to point out to show that my first argument in my previous post does not really apply well to women, but more importantly, to outline the challenges unique to a woman. I have often heard it said that men are more logically based than women, and that women can often allow emotion to "overrule their reason". I believe this to be an unfair characterization because it frames women as irrational beings (albeit, at times). In my opinion, it would be more accurate to say that the feminine nature generally favors seeking empathetic understanding with others as opposed to logical agreement. This method of communication can create a deeper connection between two people than a simple "agreement of facts" can. For conciseness though, I claim that men tend to express themselves in logical terms, and women tend to express themselves in terms of their emotional connection to a situation, person, etc.

All the other terms and premises from my previous post apply, such as exclusive uncommitted relationship. If you need a refresher on that one and others, click here.

Ok, now suppose we take the same couple that we considered in my first post in an exclusive uncommitted relationship. As sex and activities leading to sex are frequent, the woman will become charged with emotional stimulation (similar to how the man is physically stimulated). The act is physically pleasant, but the woman primarily draws on the emotional closeness that she feels towards the man. As the emotional attachment grows stronger, the woman needs to be constantly assured of the man's affections for her (which can cause heightened expectations on the man, thus straining the relationship). Ultimately, the exclusive uncommitted relationship is bound to end or see serious hardship. If it ends, regardless of who initiates the break up, the woman will be forced to annihilate the vast emotional bond that she so dearly invested herself in.

The sexual act and acts leading to it inevitably create an emotional bond between the man and the woman. This is a sacred trust that is necessary to being together forever; to invest in and empathize with the joys and sorrows of the other. It is so tight-knit that were it to be broken, both would suffer excruciating emotional turmoil. The sexual act and other associated activities lead to one of two outcomes: (A) a loving, lasting emotional attachment between a man and a woman that allows them to enjoy together emotional sunshine and weather together emotional darkness, or (B) the woman succumbs to insecurity and despair as she searches for a full, lasting emotional commitment in vain.

Considering the path (A), just as with the argument from the masculine perspective, I do not think this option is available to those in an exclusive uncommitted relationship. As soon as the woman consents to any activity leading to sex, she has forsaken, to some degree, her essential dignity as a woman. It is a woman's responsibility, especially in this day and age, to command respect from men by holding them to honorable standards. Women can have, if they choose, a seductive power over men's reason. The feminine nature confounds his reason and ignites his passions. In my experience, this is not a reciprocal attractions, meaning, men do not have this same seductive power over women. (James Bond does not count because he was engineered specifically to give men the notion that they too could make women swoon over them; it doesn't happen) Women, in my experience, may fall for a guy, but they are never as without their wits as a man is before a woman. Thus, in the exclusive uncommitted relationship, the woman has the reigns of Reason and must show the man that she demands his respect and his full commitment to her. Without this respect, that emotional bond will not properly form.

In the case of (B), a woman who has engaged in many sexually active relationships will begin to wonder either what was wrong with the men she has dated or, my more frequent experience, what is wrong with herself. In the pornographic culture that we live in, there is an enormous pressure on women to be flawless. Each successive break up and emotional PTSD will be negotiated with thoughts that she just needs to lose more weight, get plastic surgery, etc. This goes hand-in-hand with the (B) scenario outlined in my first argument. Men will become more critical of their woman's appearance and ultimately, their partner's physical appearance will not be enough for him. A woman will be able to sense this acutely, especially if she is aware of any unfaithful relationships or pornography that the man is engaged in. This will only increase her sense of insecurity. With increasing insecurity, she will steadily set her sights lower and lower and entrust herself to more abusive and baser men, unable to believe that she is worth anything higher. If all her future relationships engage in sexual acts, she will be aware constantly of her physical appearance and remain in deep insecurity regarding her man's expectations and, more importantly, her worthiness of respect.

The repeated "high-stakes" emotional investment for a woman in a sexually active relationship will leave deep scares on her self-esteem, making it difficult for her to take her dignified place as an equal partner in a lasting relationship. A woman must not underestimate the power she has over a man; and it is this power that she must wield responsibly or forfeit it to the man's physical appetites. If a woman does not pick up this charge, then it becomes very difficult for a man to control his passions in the relationship. Though he is no less responsible for reigning in his passions, no man should associate with a woman who fails to hold him accountable for them, and no woman should associate with a man who fails to respect her according to her dignity, body and soul.

Authors Note: Ok, there it is. This is all based on my experiences and careful thought, but it is by no means infallible, whatsoever (a deep contrast to my other writings ;) just kidding) Whatever your thoughts, man or woman, please comment. This is a forum for serious discussion and I'll be the first to submit myself to guidance in this area.

Why Sex is Meant For Marriage, Pt. 1 "Men"

As a philosopher, I am always looking for rational explanations to things. I have devised my own rational system (some would call it a "philosophy") and I feel compelled to place everything I experience into that system as best as I can. I am also a man of faith, but there is something sweetly gratifying about coming to a reasonable conclusion based on one's experiences. In this process, I feel like I'm progressing somewhere and my sincere and thoughtful observation of the world is moving me towards that goal. It's really awesome, also, to receive divine revelation in one's prayer because you receive the answer without knowing how that answer was arrived at rationally. It is a rational answer (discrediting those who claim faith is irrational), but the proof to how one comes up with that solution can remain a mystery to us for some time. Still, I like to come to the answer on my own, if I can.

The thought occurred to me that the reason why sex is meant for marriage is because sexual intercourse and the intimate, affectionate acts that lead to up to it are ordered to married commitment.

Consider a man in an "uncommitted" relationship, meaning he has a girlfriend. Personal opinion: if a man and a woman are dating, that relationship cannot be healthy unless they are exclusively uncommitted to one another (and I know people define "dating differently, but I consider this goes for any form of romantic relationship other than marriage). "Exclusive" in the fact that that both parties are not "looking around" romantically (i.e. they have chosen to focus their romantic interests on this one person), and "Uncommitted" in the sense that this dating relationship is not meant as a long-term commitment (just a lead-in to marriage) and the courtship or dating arrangement can be broken at any time by either party for any reason, good or bad. I believe this also includes the period of engagement, and that the only difference between dating/courtship and engagement is that a man and a woman are preparing explicitly for marriage. The intention of a commitment has been spoken, but they still have not bound themselves morally to one another. (which is my assumption of those in marriage, albeit not a very good assumption for this culture)

Also, if you commit yourself to someone, I assume that you commit yourself to the whole of them. I do not think it's even worth discussing the execrable individual who would only commit themselves only to a human being's physical presence. So you make a commitment to another person, body and soul, because you make the free and actively conscious choice to love them.

Ok, now that I've defined most of my terms, suppose sexual intercourse is a frequent practice in this particular exclusively uncommitted relationship. Frequent physical stimulation can condition a man to expect psychologically that level and frequency of physical stimulation on a regular basis. Any increase in this status quo may create an increase in expectation, but any decrease will either be met with a painful expectation readjustment process for the man or a search for sexual gratification elsewhere (explained below).

In the case of sexual acts, a man and a woman are at their most vulnerable. They are "getting to know" (in the Biblical sense) one another in the most vulnerable and intimate way possible. It is like a shared secret that only the two of you know. And you both must promise never to tell another soul. It's not only a physical secret, but an emotional and spiritual secret that is beyond words. And it is in keeping that secret that there lies the sacred commitment. It is a very fine line (especially in the present culture) between (A) considering this vulnerable intimacy a sacred thing that a man is charged with the duty to protect and care for, or (B) the alternative, claiming ownership of it for his own ends and taking pleasure in it for its own sake.

It is impossible for the former option (A) to be selected in an exclusively uncommitted relationship because the man is purporting to commit and learning to commit at the same time. The man cannot commit to protect and venerate that which he has not proven himself capable of protecting and venerating. In other words, he cannot give what he does not have: recognition and respect for the woman's sacred honor. Dissenters' counterargument: this "proving" and "committing" times do not have to correspond to or have anything to do with when/if the couple gets married. My Response: for anything involving temptation and basic human urges, the justification of self-autonomy has been proven time after time to be the exact thing that leads man to lose his autonomy; I submit myself to authority on this.

If the latter (B) is chosen, a great attention to the woman's physical details will arise in the soul of the man. He will begin to focus on those physical qualities that excite him, at the expense of considering and cherishing the woman as a whole human being. If the relationship continues like this, he will cease to have a fixation with this specific woman's physical qualities and will begin to center his attention on those same physical qualities, but this time, of women in general (i.e. forsaking the beauty of her face and focusing on the various beautiful qualities of women's faces in general), turning to unfaithful relationships and pornography (in all-to-frequent worse-case scenarios) to slake his demand of physical stimulation, mentioned above. All of this might be an entirely subconscious reaction, but nevertheless, its reality becomes painfully apparent if one studies how the man treats the woman when such pleasant affections are not exchanged when he desires them.

However, although marriage makes (A) truly possible, it does not magically make (B) an impossible circumstance to find in a marriage. Marriages in these modern times are constantly assaulted by these temptations and many fail to weather the difficulties. However, the commitment can always be re-realized and made again and again as long as the spirit is willing.

All this comes about when men and women fail to acknowledge the gravity of the affections they show one another, whether it be the act of sex itself or acts that are intrinsically ordered to and end in the sexual act. I claim that (A) is impossible in an unmarried state and if you find the consequences of (B) to be undesirable, then unless there are alternatives I am unaware of, sex and acts leading to sex are meant for marriage because marriage is a relationship of complete commitment.

A Guide to Making Friends, Pt. 2: Dealing with Rejection

This post is not necessarily meant as a sequel to my first post on developing friendships, but while writing it, I suppose that's what it became. In my long history of friendships, I've learned some incredibly valuable things. One thing is that when I talk about physics, I scare people away. Another thing is that you shouldn't be too eager to evangelize because people are turned off to that kind of thing. And also, that you can't pay people to be your friends (well, if you want them to be real friends that is).

However, I believe that all of my "lessons learned" don't hold a candle to the priceless understanding that I have acquired regarding rejection (specifically, with friendships, but romantic relationships can fit in here as well). No matter who you are, we've all experienced it.

So, you meet someone you really think is alot of fun (guy or girl, it doesn't matter). They seem to enjoy themselves and you think, "Gee, I'm really attracted to this person's fun-loving nature. I think I want to get to know him/her more." You talk for a little bit and if you're smart, you don't take this as a sure-fire sign that they like you already. They might be conversing with you out of politeness, but that's ok, you're not best buds yet.

Fast-forward a week. You want to get a group of people together or maybe you just want to hang out with this person for some one-on-one time. You call this person to see what they're up to and they say they're busy or maybe that they'll keep your invitation in mind as they figure out their evening/weekend plans. Ultimately, they decide to not hang out with you. And that's the same story for the following weekends until you just decide to give up on them.

Why do people do that?? They never get back to you, they never decide to hang out with you, and they may ignore you at all future gatherings. In other words, they're just really flaky and not committed to forming a friendship with you, despite there seeming to be some initial potential. Unfortunately, I still search for the answer to this question, but my gut tells me that it varies by circumstance. But, it doesn't change the way you feel. Repeat the above-described process a couple more times and it'll kill any motivation you ever had to make friends, especially in a new environment. You feel like you've extended your hand to someone and it's been slapped away or, worse, chopped off. Or maybe you feel like you stuck your neck out for someone with a little generosity, only to have the ax swing and rend your head from your shoulders. It's painful, it hurts, and nobody likes to feel that way.

People can be disappointing. Certainly a depressing thought, but despite all the optimistic thoughts about human beings, I've found this one to be fairly consistent. Therefore, I propose the following thought: let not the measure or worth of your friendship efforts be the responsiveness (or lack of responsiveness) on the part of those whose friendship you pursue. Or in other words, change your operational mindset when making friends.

The approach I propose requires concentration on what each of us is doing to facilitate a welcoming atmosphere to those we wish to befriend. We must polish our approach to people to make them feel welcome. We shouldn't go to social events as if we're going out into the wilderness to "headhunt" for friends. This approach is too aggressive and our intentions will quickly become apparent to those we encounter. They will feel "stalked" or "preyed upon" if we aggressively attempt to make their acquaintance. And obviously, this quality is wholly unattractive in another human being.

When we go out to socialize, we must bring the hospitality of our homes with us. Instead of hoping to slay someone with our charm, wit, and laughter, we should have the mindset of inviting people to us, telling them to pull up a chair, and enjoy one another's company. That's the difference. A "headhunting" friendship approach is based on results; a "home entertainer" friendship approach is based on improving our own merits. Instead of going out to win or conquer friends, we develop our personal generosity and then invite others to join us in our exquisite beneficence. If performed genuinely, this can be deeply gratifying for you, the host. And it will encourage others to open their generosity to you as well.

There are a few key pitfalls to this approach that must be avoided. One may interpret this approach as allowing others to "take, take, take" from your well-meaning. You must keep your dignity here because a successful friendship is never a one-sided engagement. Anyone who is interested in who you are for who you are will naturally be willing to return your kindness with their own form of graciousness. Another is that when realizing that someone is not interested in being your friend, we become bitter and self-righteous, claiming that "they were never deserving of my generosity", so "screw them". This must be avoided at all costs because it robs us of our peace and completely disarms this mindset. It is also indicative of a regression into the "headhunter" mentality, which gets frustrated and resentful when results are not achieved. If you do not have peace with this approach, then you're not doing it right.

There are many other benefits to this mindset as well. One benefit is that as long as you have purged your intentions of any "headhunting" tendencies, you will be better equipped to deal with rejection better. If someone isn't open to you good will, you can move on because you weren't concerned with "conquering" them to begin with. Instead, you can turn your efforts to other prospects. Secondly, since this approach is focused on our own service and merit offerings, we can seek to make friends and deal with rejection dispassionately. If someone refuses your generosity, look elsewhere for those who can appreciate your hospitality. We can be resistant to bitterness and emboldened against rejection. Also, this emboldenment will necessarily boost our self-esteem and self-image. We can become confident in what we have to offer other people and sure of our own merits.

If you are in a new environment or just looking to make friends, I highly recommend that you give this approach an honest try.

College Life: A Survival Guide

It's been over a year since I've graduated college and having lived in the real world for some time now, I've realized what lifestyle practices have served me well and which I could probably have used a do-over on. These are just a few lessons I learned that illustrate this (some humorous, some serious):

1. Don't drink from the Tupperware bin
Whatever is in it, it doesn't concern you. Either there's not enough alcohol in it to make a difference (because your host was cheap) or there's too much alcohol in it for you to handle (because your host wants to get you plastered) or that guy who just did a keg stand got sick and couldn't make it to the toilet... Any way you look at it, drinking from open containers at a social gathering of complete strangers is a poor idea.

2. Go to class
As you begin to pay loans, typically 6 months after you graduate, you'll begin to realize how much of that money you paid to sleep in, take an extended lunch break by playing Halo or Call of Duty, or start the weekend festivities 3 hours early. You might hate that philosophy class at 8:30 MWF, but trust me, going to that class and learning something will make the burden of paying off your student loans more bearable. And who knows: your 5-year highschool reunion trivia contest might consist of identifying the author of the phrase "Cogito, ergo sum". Just imagine the bragging rights....

3. Get involved
Join a club, perform community service, play intramural sports/go to a college sporting event, or explore the various social opportunities offered by your university/college. If you graduate and the only change in scenery was the venue of this weekend's slosh-fest or the variations in the mess of your dorm room, you'll have missed an excellent opportunity to get in the habit of trying new things and being a true risk-taker. By not going to the parties, you will try most things that people don't dare to think possible on a weekend evening, such as, actually having a good time.

The Basilica of the Sacred Heard [left] and the Golden Dome [right] at the University of Notre Dame

4. "Beer Before Liquor Only Makes You Sicker"
I've suddenly forgotten why I know this one...

5. Exercise and eat well
This is difficult depending on your major and where you go to school. As a physics-philosophy major at the University of Notre Dame (with one of the best food services in the country), it was easy to not exercise much (because of all the homework associated with my majors) and eat poorly (because of the ready availability of so much good-tasting, unhealthy food). Also, watch how much you drink because alcoholic beverages are full of all sorts of fattening carbs/sugars/etc. The "Freshman-15" is not a joke. I gained it while running varsity track and field at St. Louis University (granted, the food was awful there). It's real.

6. Coffee is your friend
None of the sugar from "energy drinks", all of the caffeine, and it's good for you! For those late study nights, cramming for organic chemistry or as an excuse for a social outing, coffee is wholesome and fun!

7. Get a head start on good habits

No matter who you are, college is a crucial time in your life. Odds are, you are away from home or you are spending a substantial amount of time without parental supervision/guidance. I love my parents and I considered this aspect of college to be a particularly awesome thing. This is because I've always looked up to my parents and I want to be just like them some day. The first step to doing this, however, is to actively seek to develop good practices and habits. What you do with the first few years of your freedom will help you (or haunt you) for the rest of your life. And I think that's really the best piece of advice I can give in this post, so I'll end with that.

A Guide to Making Friends, Pt. 1

Let me begin by saying that I am woefully unqualified to write a post on this topic. It's only been in the last year or two that I've begun to really think seriously about how one goes about making friends. But since I have returned to my hometown and in search of friends, I've been thinking about how I've made friends in the past, so I feel these are thoughts worth sharing.

1. Go to where people are

We all have our comfort zones. And we all know where we wish we could find friends. But certain locations attract particular value types. A club will mostly attract people who want to drink and just dance ("da da da doo doo..."). A political rally will draw people interested in politics. A service project will attract people who have a desire to help the needy. This requires a bit of soul-searching: you have to determine what kind of person you really want to be because your friends will contribute to some degree in making you that person.

2. Seek dialogue, not monologue

Most people I know don't have a problem with this. I write it because until relatively recently, I did. As is characteristic of every member of my family, I have an opinion on practically everything, and if a brand new topic is posed to me that I don't immediately have an opinion on, I make one up and hold it until it is unfashionable to hold it any longer. As a result, I monologued (and it certainly wasn't Shakespearean). There needs to be an even tug-of-war between two people. You should be able to bounce conversation points off one another and notice yourself considering the point being made by the person you're trying to befriend before you come up with what you will say next. 

3. Listen to what people are passionate about

Once I got dialoging down, this was my next challenge. My passion is philosophy and I could never get enough of talking about it. Some of my friends were similarly passionate on that topic, but many were relatively indifferent. What I have found to be more gratifying is to discover what makes a person tick; what passion drives them. And more often than not, it's something I can engage them on. This goes hand-in-hand with point No. 1, "Go to where people are". 

4. Form a personal relationship through one-on-one interaction

Both extroverts and introverts can get this wrong. Extroverts can claim the attention of a group of people and be satisfied with being the center-of-attention and introverts can retreat to the corner of a room, at least figuratively, and allow others to command the attention in a group. Neither is bad, but both miss the point of building friendship. The extrovert problem is that everybody yearns for personal attention. A girl doesn't like to receive the same amount of attention from a guy as all the other girls do from him. If she likes him, she wants more personal attention. (and the same goes for the other-way-around) And I firmly believe this applies to friendships between members of the same sex as well. So although you might be the king of the group, you must personally engage each person with whom you wish to befriend. The introvert problem is that their comfort with their own thoughts can render them immobile to that necessary personal contact. A concerted effort must be made to interact exclusively.

5. Generosity

The reason for this being last is because this is the key. Generosity is contagious. And it is good for the soul. It teaches you to come out of yourself and see the hopes and desires of someone else. This is the crowning friendship "virtue" because it is critical to the proper practice of the other four. If you do not have a generous comfort-zone, you won't go to those places where people are. If you're not generous with the topic of conversation, you will monologue and you won't be interested in what people are passionate about. Generosity is pivotal to building a strong personal relationship because you have devoted all your time and attention to one person. All these things contribute to strong personal friendships. 

"No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world." - Aristotle