A Guide to Making Friends, Pt. 1

Let me begin by saying that I am woefully unqualified to write a post on this topic. It's only been in the last year or two that I've begun to really think seriously about how one goes about making friends. But since I have returned to my hometown and in search of friends, I've been thinking about how I've made friends in the past, so I feel these are thoughts worth sharing.

1. Go to where people are

We all have our comfort zones. And we all know where we wish we could find friends. But certain locations attract particular value types. A club will mostly attract people who want to drink and just dance ("da da da doo doo..."). A political rally will draw people interested in politics. A service project will attract people who have a desire to help the needy. This requires a bit of soul-searching: you have to determine what kind of person you really want to be because your friends will contribute to some degree in making you that person.

2. Seek dialogue, not monologue

Most people I know don't have a problem with this. I write it because until relatively recently, I did. As is characteristic of every member of my family, I have an opinion on practically everything, and if a brand new topic is posed to me that I don't immediately have an opinion on, I make one up and hold it until it is unfashionable to hold it any longer. As a result, I monologued (and it certainly wasn't Shakespearean). There needs to be an even tug-of-war between two people. You should be able to bounce conversation points off one another and notice yourself considering the point being made by the person you're trying to befriend before you come up with what you will say next. 

3. Listen to what people are passionate about

Once I got dialoging down, this was my next challenge. My passion is philosophy and I could never get enough of talking about it. Some of my friends were similarly passionate on that topic, but many were relatively indifferent. What I have found to be more gratifying is to discover what makes a person tick; what passion drives them. And more often than not, it's something I can engage them on. This goes hand-in-hand with point No. 1, "Go to where people are". 

4. Form a personal relationship through one-on-one interaction

Both extroverts and introverts can get this wrong. Extroverts can claim the attention of a group of people and be satisfied with being the center-of-attention and introverts can retreat to the corner of a room, at least figuratively, and allow others to command the attention in a group. Neither is bad, but both miss the point of building friendship. The extrovert problem is that everybody yearns for personal attention. A girl doesn't like to receive the same amount of attention from a guy as all the other girls do from him. If she likes him, she wants more personal attention. (and the same goes for the other-way-around) And I firmly believe this applies to friendships between members of the same sex as well. So although you might be the king of the group, you must personally engage each person with whom you wish to befriend. The introvert problem is that their comfort with their own thoughts can render them immobile to that necessary personal contact. A concerted effort must be made to interact exclusively.

5. Generosity

The reason for this being last is because this is the key. Generosity is contagious. And it is good for the soul. It teaches you to come out of yourself and see the hopes and desires of someone else. This is the crowning friendship "virtue" because it is critical to the proper practice of the other four. If you do not have a generous comfort-zone, you won't go to those places where people are. If you're not generous with the topic of conversation, you will monologue and you won't be interested in what people are passionate about. Generosity is pivotal to building a strong personal relationship because you have devoted all your time and attention to one person. All these things contribute to strong personal friendships. 

"No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world." - Aristotle