On the Brattish Nature of My Car

Yes, it's true, Maybellene and I are no more. The cost of maintaining such an impractical automobile for someone my age and professional status was just to difficult. Though I will probably won't have such a chimerical car for quite some time again, it was fun for the year or so, but I needed practical. Options were slim, and they were made even more limited by the fact that the car had to be something I could afford a monthly payment for, as well as monthly gas. So really, I wasn't choosing the car; rather, this was a case in which the car really chose me: a 2010 Ford Focus S.

Maybellene's sleek black body styling is traded for a spoiled-rotten, candy red. The melodious stereo system has been traded for an unbalanced racket. The painless, "hands-off", automatic-manual gear box has been replaced with the excruciating, "hands-pulling-out-hair", manual gear box. The saucy red leather interior has been swapped for a grumpy grey, poly-fiber blend. At first glance, you'd think this car was a monumental letdown, but practical is as practical does and a man's gotta grow up sometime...

But as soon as I got into the car, I seriously doubted that I was heading in that direction. Reaching into the box of Maybellene's former belongings, I pulled out a few choice CDs that might console me on my grave loss. To my surprise, none of them were fitting into the slot. A CD had been left in the car by the previous owner. I tried to eject it to see what it was, but the CD would not come forth at my command. After taking out an initial moment of intense frustration on the steering wheel, I was struck by an immense stroke of genius: no greater opportunity than this could be afforded to learn about the car's previous owner. Immediately, my momentary rage melted into the most engaged curiosity and I played the CD.

What met my ears was the most heinous collection of party rock I'd ever heard, with songs by "artists" such as Ludacris and Ke$ha (and judging by the sound quality, it was likely pirated). Furthermore, they weren't even the songs you heard on the radio; all of them were mediocre, B-side quality. Indeed, this was a juicy find, and my mind began to notice other telling personality traits.

The previous owner (rather, the owner's parents) had installed an "M-Key" device offered by Ford which prevents the driver from doing certain things with the car that some might consider dangerous. The device limits how high the radio's volume can be set. Also, this functionality will turn off any audio in the car if the driver fails to buckle his seat belt. But to top it off, the device will warn you with a noise if the car approaches 75 mph and will automatically apply the brakes to keep the driver from going anything over 80 mph.

Upon an initial overview of the car, I noticed that there was a floor pad missing from the driver's side of the car. Now, I'm not one to speculate too far into things, but I would certainly like an explanation as to why a floor pad, specifically made for this car model is missing. All the others are present, but I find it very intriguing that the the one missing is the driver's.

After mentioning these findings to the respectable salesman who sold me the car and offering my speculative conclusions, he told me that the car's previous bumper stickers would most certainly support my suspicions. Before the car came into my possession, there had been bumper stickers for the University of Missouri - St. Louis, a commuter college, and a "rainbow" awareness ribbon.

With these facts in hand, I was now able to make some claims regarding the previous owner of the car. The first, and most obvious fact, was that the previous owner had been a girl, most likely a student of the commuter college to which the bumper sticker denoted. The car was purchased new by her parents, as  indicated by the activated M-Key functionality. Certainly, she was an irresponsible child and not trusted at all by her parents, and it is very likely that in her fecklessness, she had totalled her previous car, hence the new car with the overkill M-Key security features. Also, it's possible that the manual transmission was selected by the parent's to discourage texting-and-driving, a well-known practice among girls.

The awareness bumper sticker leaves no mystery as to the secular leanings of the girl's worldview and the forever-stuck CD reinforces this worldly hypothesis. The CDs song selection also makes some interesting suggestions. The first song on the CD was by St. Louis-native, Nelly, and is titled "Hey Porsche". A link to the lyrics can be found here, as they are too vile to post on this respectable blog. Also, the fact that the songs are less popular than the big hits of these mainstream artists suggests that she might have a hipster streak about her. However, after careful consideration, I concluded that a hipster girl would never listen to mainstream artists at all, so it is most probable that the previous owner just had terrible taste in music.

The only missing piece to explain now is the missing driver's side floor mat. Relying on the conclusions we've already made, it seems logical that while driving home after a long night of partying at her girlfriends' house, the owner vomited on the floor at a stop light to relieve her stomach of the gratuitous quantities of McCormick's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey. Unable to clean it without her parent's noticing, she threw the mat into a nearby dumpster and Fe-breezed the car, effectively eliminating the odor and the mess.

Therefore, the previous owner of the car was surely an upper middle-class, blonde, spoiled, sorority brat with the most terrible taste in music and a high number of supremely bad life-choices. It is for this reason, that I have named the car, Brittany. These deductions make me realize the subtly colorful character of an otherwise typically practical car, and though she's not the fiery temptress that Maybellene was, she's definitely got spunk: and I like her spunk.

Throwing a Legitimate Dance Party: A How-To Guide

Ever since I was in high school, going to homecomings and proms, I always wanted to throw my own "dance" party. Why? Well, I just didn't like the way high school did stuff the stuff they did. I did not like every one's "dancing" style around me. I did not like the indiscriminate choice of music. I did not like that fact that there were no serious refreshments of which to speak. I just thought I could do it better...

So that is what I did. Over the past year, I've orchestrated the throwing of three very successful and legit dance parties. With each party, I learned some valuable lessons and the next time, I made the relevant changes to keep the party 'raging'. Below, I have created a 'how-to' guide for this delicate, but highly rewarding process:

1. Budget

Like every good endeavor, you need to sit down and determine what you're willing to spend on this thing. If you're looking to do it right and this is your first time doing it, it's going to be expensive. (for perspective, I believe my first budget was $100) The good news, though, is that the money you spend on infrastructure here will not have to be re-spent for future parties. It might be worth it to see if you can get an interested core group of people to help fund some of the various aspects.

2. Who To Invite

This is certainly more up to the personal preference of the hosts, but one hard-and-fast rule that I've found out is that you need to keep the guy-to-girl ratio pretty even. An overwhelming number of one over the other is not conducive to a properly socializing group because guys certainly want to be with their buddies, but they also want to have the opportunity to meet and socialize with plenty of girls. The same goes for girls; girl friends are nice to have, but a party with too many girls will make them feel like they're being used. This dynamic also becomes more clear when dancing begins; what guy wants to dance with another guy? And what girl wants to only be dancing with her girl friends all the time? I cannot stress this rule enough.

3. Music

The party doesn't have a chance without music, of course. It's probably a good idea to make two playlists: one of just general party tunes and another for dance music (the reason for this will become clear later). If you do not already have all the music yourself, see if you might be able to get it from that core group of friends. In selecting music, it is good to have a genre variety. Sure, Flo Rida and Lady Gaga are modernly relevant, but what about the timeless classics like Elvis Presley, Little Richard, Spice Girls, or *NSYNC? Every one likes to get taken back to the old days once in a while, so give them that diversity. Also, I recommend splicing in some other genre types such as salsa and swing dancing numbers.

4. Infrastructural Items, Pt. 1: "Sound"

Ah, here's the point that might be a bit hard to swallow: you'll have to invest some money into this party. Not just "some" money, but depending on what your goals are, potentially "alot" of money. For a first party, this does not always need to be a giant expenditure, but that also depends on what you already have to start with. You'll need a stereo of some sort, and you'll need an MP3 player that you can plug into said stereo. This is not a bad investment, party planning aside, but it can definitely be one that sets you back a few bucks. If you do not have an MP3 player and no one else you know has one, then you're probably Amish and I'm curious as to why you're throwing a dance party in the first place. Though seriously, if this is the case, MP3 CDs work well enough. They have a higher storage capacity than regular audio CD formats and iTunes can burn in this format.

All-in-one Disco Ball; $25

5. Infrastructural Items, Pt. 2: "Lights and Special Effects"

Colored light bulb; $5

This step will also require some monetary investment. Party lighting will give your dance party teeth, beyond simply having loud music. The cheapest route to take would be to purchase variously colored light bulbs. This will create a pretty static atmosphere for what should be a dynamic party, so I would only recommend these as a supplement. There are a couple of mid-range alternatives, however, such as small disco balls. And if you really have money burning a hole in your pocket, there is some professional DJ equipment out there that will really give the dance floor some kick. And smoke machines are reasonably inexpensive, depending on what you get. The low power ones (such as the 400 watt model) only create 'smoke', which is great to project LED through because it creates an awesome laser effect. The higher powered models (such as the 1100 watt) are able to create a low-lying fog effect that you see in the movies. It requires a special fog juice to create, so make sure you do your research on fog machines to ensure that you get what you want.

6. Food and Drink

Fog Machine 400 Watt; $30

Though not nearly as fun to shop for as the items listed above, proper nutrition and hydration (or de-hydration, depending on the beverage in question) is important. It would be appropriate to call on guests to bring either a snack food or a beverage when they accept the invitation, but you will undoubtedly need to supplement that. Chips and salsa is a decent, inexpensive starter. Also, it is vital that the host(s) provide the first round of beverages. This is important because your assigned beverage bringers might not arrive on time and while people are waiting, they should have a drink in their hand, if they desire it.

7. Decorations

This should probably be the weakest link in your budget. If you're short on cash or time, this becomes nonessential, but if you just don't have cash, then creatively-used, ordinary party streamers can change the look of your place drastically and get people in the party spirit.

8. Other Last Minute Preparations

Moonflower LED Light; $60

Of course, clean your place and make it look nice. Also, rearranging the furniture will give you more dance room space. If you live in an apartment complex, you should warn your neighbors of the noise the party will generate. Give them your cell phone number(s) and ask them to call you if it ever gets too loud. This is always better than the alternative of having the cops called. Reiterate that their comfort is your first concern and that you will be more than happy to bring the volume (or at least the bass) on the stereo down.

9. Timing and Bringing It All Together

Invariably, most of the guests will arrive anywhere between a half hour late to one hour and a half late. This is not terrible news because odds are you won't be fully ready by party time anyway. If you can get that core group of friends to show up early, they can play host or hostess while you are putting the finishing touches on the evening or getting ready yourself.

When people do arrive, they will want to have a drink or two and socialize with the other guests. This is a great time to put the 'party tunes' playlist or CD on the stereo at a conservative volume. Allow people plenty of time to snack and talk with their friends. Resist the urge to be over eager in moving to the dancing portion because regardless of the scene, people will not dance until they're ready too.

When it comes time to dance, the host should pause the music and call everyone around. A toast is usually appropriate here, as well as a few thank yous for everyone that came and for the food/drink they brought. While you're doing this, a trusted friend is setting up the dance playlist/CD. After the toast and thank yous, the host announces in some fashion that the dancing portion will begin shortly. Then, the party lights, which had been off up to this point, are switched on and the music starts.

People probably won't dance immediately, especially if this is the first time you're doing this. It will take some time for people to adjust to the idea of dancing in front of other people, especially if they weren't seriously expecting to do any dancing. So just be patient. Once they start dancing, your job is practically finished. Enjoy yourself and keep your cell phone by you to receive any calls from sleepy neighbors.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

The Going-Away Party

Maxwell had killed his sister. It was a pretty efficient murder at that; and Sir Maxwell Stewart prided himself on efficiency, whether it was with closing a business deal or doing away with nosy siblings. Although, the business deals were a significantly more common occurrence than the occasions that required the snuffing of relatives.

It had been efficient because she had consumed enough wine at his going away party that she did not feel the slight pin-prick of a syringe as it injected its lethal payload of insulin. Maxwell was a diabetic and his sister was not. The overdose had quietly put her to sleep on the sofa of the mansion's parlor. It did not take much.

The silent killing was also an excellent method of murder because it left no crime scene clues, should the body ever be found. There were no lacerations, no stab wounds, no bullet holes, no broken bones, or anything else of the gory and ghastly sort typically associated with the dark deed. She was indeed very old and by all appearances, it would seem that her poor, ailing heart had simply given out and her soul had flown to the heights of that holy Paradise.

Maxwell knew that it was her blood sugar, not her heart, that gave out, and that her soul was actually rotting in the circle of Hell reserved exclusively for prying, gossipy nannies. She had invented this grand conspiracy theory that his business empire was somehow built on lies and cheating, all claims were woefully unsubstantiated, of course. Doubtless she had concocted this inconceivable foolishness to tarnish his sterling reputation and ruin his going-away party. Maxwell had tolerated his sister's ignorance on a variety of other subjects, but it seemed to him hardly fair that he should suffer her vague fantasies of corruption and sleight-of-hand dealings when his good name was at stake.

However, his reputation was the furthest thing from his mind when this cake knife in his chest was the closest thing to his heart. James Ironsides, his American business rival, had put it there. Just like his business manners, Ironsides had no tact: no silent poisons or macabre premeditation. He just walks right up to you and plunges the cake knife unpretentiously into your chest. He did not even have the decency to wipe the icing from the blade.

Anyhow, things were beginning to feel very cold for Sir Maxwell. He could not tell if it was the two feet of snow in which he was lying or the icy caress of death stealing over him. Whichever the case, he was alone. Ironsides had not even had the decorum to gloat over his dying form. He could have at least thanked him for inviting him to the party, yes, thank you it truly is marvelous, is this wine a special vintage? of course, most excellent, are you finished with that cake knife? here Maxwell, let me pin this thank you note to your blazer with this cake knife, comfortable? well, I must be going, lovely party, let's do this again sometime.

But it was not so, and Maxwell felt the chill of his fate long before he arrived at that frozen circle of Hell reserved exclusively for dishonest, sibling-murdering businessmen.

College Life: A Survival Guide

It's been over a year since I've graduated college and having lived in the real world for some time now, I've realized what lifestyle practices have served me well and which I could probably have used a do-over on. These are just a few lessons I learned that illustrate this (some humorous, some serious):

1. Don't drink from the Tupperware bin
Whatever is in it, it doesn't concern you. Either there's not enough alcohol in it to make a difference (because your host was cheap) or there's too much alcohol in it for you to handle (because your host wants to get you plastered) or that guy who just did a keg stand got sick and couldn't make it to the toilet... Any way you look at it, drinking from open containers at a social gathering of complete strangers is a poor idea.

2. Go to class
As you begin to pay loans, typically 6 months after you graduate, you'll begin to realize how much of that money you paid to sleep in, take an extended lunch break by playing Halo or Call of Duty, or start the weekend festivities 3 hours early. You might hate that philosophy class at 8:30 MWF, but trust me, going to that class and learning something will make the burden of paying off your student loans more bearable. And who knows: your 5-year highschool reunion trivia contest might consist of identifying the author of the phrase "Cogito, ergo sum". Just imagine the bragging rights....

3. Get involved
Join a club, perform community service, play intramural sports/go to a college sporting event, or explore the various social opportunities offered by your university/college. If you graduate and the only change in scenery was the venue of this weekend's slosh-fest or the variations in the mess of your dorm room, you'll have missed an excellent opportunity to get in the habit of trying new things and being a true risk-taker. By not going to the parties, you will try most things that people don't dare to think possible on a weekend evening, such as, actually having a good time.

The Basilica of the Sacred Heard [left] and the Golden Dome [right] at the University of Notre Dame

4. "Beer Before Liquor Only Makes You Sicker"
I've suddenly forgotten why I know this one...

5. Exercise and eat well
This is difficult depending on your major and where you go to school. As a physics-philosophy major at the University of Notre Dame (with one of the best food services in the country), it was easy to not exercise much (because of all the homework associated with my majors) and eat poorly (because of the ready availability of so much good-tasting, unhealthy food). Also, watch how much you drink because alcoholic beverages are full of all sorts of fattening carbs/sugars/etc. The "Freshman-15" is not a joke. I gained it while running varsity track and field at St. Louis University (granted, the food was awful there). It's real.

6. Coffee is your friend
None of the sugar from "energy drinks", all of the caffeine, and it's good for you! For those late study nights, cramming for organic chemistry or as an excuse for a social outing, coffee is wholesome and fun!

7. Get a head start on good habits

No matter who you are, college is a crucial time in your life. Odds are, you are away from home or you are spending a substantial amount of time without parental supervision/guidance. I love my parents and I considered this aspect of college to be a particularly awesome thing. This is because I've always looked up to my parents and I want to be just like them some day. The first step to doing this, however, is to actively seek to develop good practices and habits. What you do with the first few years of your freedom will help you (or haunt you) for the rest of your life. And I think that's really the best piece of advice I can give in this post, so I'll end with that.

A Guide to Making Friends, Pt. 1

Let me begin by saying that I am woefully unqualified to write a post on this topic. It's only been in the last year or two that I've begun to really think seriously about how one goes about making friends. But since I have returned to my hometown and in search of friends, I've been thinking about how I've made friends in the past, so I feel these are thoughts worth sharing.

1. Go to where people are

We all have our comfort zones. And we all know where we wish we could find friends. But certain locations attract particular value types. A club will mostly attract people who want to drink and just dance ("da da da doo doo..."). A political rally will draw people interested in politics. A service project will attract people who have a desire to help the needy. This requires a bit of soul-searching: you have to determine what kind of person you really want to be because your friends will contribute to some degree in making you that person.

2. Seek dialogue, not monologue

Most people I know don't have a problem with this. I write it because until relatively recently, I did. As is characteristic of every member of my family, I have an opinion on practically everything, and if a brand new topic is posed to me that I don't immediately have an opinion on, I make one up and hold it until it is unfashionable to hold it any longer. As a result, I monologued (and it certainly wasn't Shakespearean). There needs to be an even tug-of-war between two people. You should be able to bounce conversation points off one another and notice yourself considering the point being made by the person you're trying to befriend before you come up with what you will say next. 

3. Listen to what people are passionate about

Once I got dialoging down, this was my next challenge. My passion is philosophy and I could never get enough of talking about it. Some of my friends were similarly passionate on that topic, but many were relatively indifferent. What I have found to be more gratifying is to discover what makes a person tick; what passion drives them. And more often than not, it's something I can engage them on. This goes hand-in-hand with point No. 1, "Go to where people are". 

4. Form a personal relationship through one-on-one interaction

Both extroverts and introverts can get this wrong. Extroverts can claim the attention of a group of people and be satisfied with being the center-of-attention and introverts can retreat to the corner of a room, at least figuratively, and allow others to command the attention in a group. Neither is bad, but both miss the point of building friendship. The extrovert problem is that everybody yearns for personal attention. A girl doesn't like to receive the same amount of attention from a guy as all the other girls do from him. If she likes him, she wants more personal attention. (and the same goes for the other-way-around) And I firmly believe this applies to friendships between members of the same sex as well. So although you might be the king of the group, you must personally engage each person with whom you wish to befriend. The introvert problem is that their comfort with their own thoughts can render them immobile to that necessary personal contact. A concerted effort must be made to interact exclusively.

5. Generosity

The reason for this being last is because this is the key. Generosity is contagious. And it is good for the soul. It teaches you to come out of yourself and see the hopes and desires of someone else. This is the crowning friendship "virtue" because it is critical to the proper practice of the other four. If you do not have a generous comfort-zone, you won't go to those places where people are. If you're not generous with the topic of conversation, you will monologue and you won't be interested in what people are passionate about. Generosity is pivotal to building a strong personal relationship because you have devoted all your time and attention to one person. All these things contribute to strong personal friendships. 

"No one would choose a friendless existence on condition of having all the other things in the world." - Aristotle