On the Brattish Nature of My Car

Yes, it's true, Maybellene and I are no more. The cost of maintaining such an impractical automobile for someone my age and professional status was just to difficult. Though I will probably won't have such a chimerical car for quite some time again, it was fun for the year or so, but I needed practical. Options were slim, and they were made even more limited by the fact that the car had to be something I could afford a monthly payment for, as well as monthly gas. So really, I wasn't choosing the car; rather, this was a case in which the car really chose me: a 2010 Ford Focus S.

Maybellene's sleek black body styling is traded for a spoiled-rotten, candy red. The melodious stereo system has been traded for an unbalanced racket. The painless, "hands-off", automatic-manual gear box has been replaced with the excruciating, "hands-pulling-out-hair", manual gear box. The saucy red leather interior has been swapped for a grumpy grey, poly-fiber blend. At first glance, you'd think this car was a monumental letdown, but practical is as practical does and a man's gotta grow up sometime...

But as soon as I got into the car, I seriously doubted that I was heading in that direction. Reaching into the box of Maybellene's former belongings, I pulled out a few choice CDs that might console me on my grave loss. To my surprise, none of them were fitting into the slot. A CD had been left in the car by the previous owner. I tried to eject it to see what it was, but the CD would not come forth at my command. After taking out an initial moment of intense frustration on the steering wheel, I was struck by an immense stroke of genius: no greater opportunity than this could be afforded to learn about the car's previous owner. Immediately, my momentary rage melted into the most engaged curiosity and I played the CD.

What met my ears was the most heinous collection of party rock I'd ever heard, with songs by "artists" such as Ludacris and Ke$ha (and judging by the sound quality, it was likely pirated). Furthermore, they weren't even the songs you heard on the radio; all of them were mediocre, B-side quality. Indeed, this was a juicy find, and my mind began to notice other telling personality traits.

The previous owner (rather, the owner's parents) had installed an "M-Key" device offered by Ford which prevents the driver from doing certain things with the car that some might consider dangerous. The device limits how high the radio's volume can be set. Also, this functionality will turn off any audio in the car if the driver fails to buckle his seat belt. But to top it off, the device will warn you with a noise if the car approaches 75 mph and will automatically apply the brakes to keep the driver from going anything over 80 mph.

Upon an initial overview of the car, I noticed that there was a floor pad missing from the driver's side of the car. Now, I'm not one to speculate too far into things, but I would certainly like an explanation as to why a floor pad, specifically made for this car model is missing. All the others are present, but I find it very intriguing that the the one missing is the driver's.

After mentioning these findings to the respectable salesman who sold me the car and offering my speculative conclusions, he told me that the car's previous bumper stickers would most certainly support my suspicions. Before the car came into my possession, there had been bumper stickers for the University of Missouri - St. Louis, a commuter college, and a "rainbow" awareness ribbon.

With these facts in hand, I was now able to make some claims regarding the previous owner of the car. The first, and most obvious fact, was that the previous owner had been a girl, most likely a student of the commuter college to which the bumper sticker denoted. The car was purchased new by her parents, as  indicated by the activated M-Key functionality. Certainly, she was an irresponsible child and not trusted at all by her parents, and it is very likely that in her fecklessness, she had totalled her previous car, hence the new car with the overkill M-Key security features. Also, it's possible that the manual transmission was selected by the parent's to discourage texting-and-driving, a well-known practice among girls.

The awareness bumper sticker leaves no mystery as to the secular leanings of the girl's worldview and the forever-stuck CD reinforces this worldly hypothesis. The CDs song selection also makes some interesting suggestions. The first song on the CD was by St. Louis-native, Nelly, and is titled "Hey Porsche". A link to the lyrics can be found here, as they are too vile to post on this respectable blog. Also, the fact that the songs are less popular than the big hits of these mainstream artists suggests that she might have a hipster streak about her. However, after careful consideration, I concluded that a hipster girl would never listen to mainstream artists at all, so it is most probable that the previous owner just had terrible taste in music.

The only missing piece to explain now is the missing driver's side floor mat. Relying on the conclusions we've already made, it seems logical that while driving home after a long night of partying at her girlfriends' house, the owner vomited on the floor at a stop light to relieve her stomach of the gratuitous quantities of McCormick's vodka and Jack Daniel's whiskey. Unable to clean it without her parent's noticing, she threw the mat into a nearby dumpster and Fe-breezed the car, effectively eliminating the odor and the mess.

Therefore, the previous owner of the car was surely an upper middle-class, blonde, spoiled, sorority brat with the most terrible taste in music and a high number of supremely bad life-choices. It is for this reason, that I have named the car, Brittany. These deductions make me realize the subtly colorful character of an otherwise typically practical car, and though she's not the fiery temptress that Maybellene was, she's definitely got spunk: and I like her spunk.